New blog….if you want to read it

Hey you all, I just noticed there are some of you crazy people out there who actually liked /followed my writing on this blog! I wanted to update you that I started a new blog, and I’d be honored if you’d check out that one as well. If you don’t like it, then no harm done. My writing style is the same, but hopefully the new one is a little less dark than this one here. Life has changed a whole lot, and I wanted a fresh start with a fresh place to write. You’ll still be able to find flowers, sarcasm, and occasional references to goats, because … well, life does not get better than that.  Thanks for encouraging me to keep writing for all those months/years!

Here’s the link to the new blog:

https://thememoryhoardergirl.wordpress.com/

-Anna

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Dream reader, read my future

If I could write to my dream reader, it would be a psychic. I do not even believe in psychics, so that is a hilarious sentence for me. However….I could use one right about now. So, here goes my imaginary letter to a person who I have no real faith in:

Dear Psychic,
What on earth is going to become of my life? I write this tonight as someone trying to get out of a very negative job, exhausted by a job search that isn’t going too well, and scared of the future. Any future at all. I’m sitting here by my droopy Christmas tree, still hanging onto its lights, and right now that’s a bit what I feel like. Like maybe I should give up because my season is over, but I can’t quite unplug the lights.Do you have any answers for me? Does anyone? I don’t expect all the answers in the world to be thrown my way simultaneously, but maybe one here or there would be AWESOME. Maybe just one or two about my intended purpose in life. Anyone?
I don’t believe in easy and quick answers, I don’t believe in things being handed to me, which is why I don’t believe in tarot cards or palm readings. I just am getting so desperate for something to make sense in my life. Sometimes your early twenties are as turbulent as your teenage years were, and that just doesn’t seem fair. Shouldn’t you at least get a break of a couple decades?
At the end of every day, though, I tell myself I’ll keep getting through the next one, regardless of any clear vision I may or may not have for my life. “Whatever tomorrow comes, I’ll be there with open arms and open eyes.”

Hopefully, my dream reader would respond back to me with aaaaalll the little answers I could use right now. Then we’d become best friends forever, WordPress.

Do they like you?

It has been a long time since I’ve last written a real updated post about my boring life – almost 8 months, to be exact. As always tends to happen in large amounts of time, a lot has changed in my life. And I’ve refrained from blogging because let’s be honest…how many people actually read this (0-2 persons)and how many people who read this actually like it (0-1 persons)? But at the end of the day I have to come back to the real reason I have always written: because it makes me happy. So here I am on the old half broken (BUT STILL HANGING ON, MIND YOU), laptop.

I started a new, big girl job almost 8 months ago now. And it has not been ideal or fun. I hear that first jobs can often go this route, but boy is it tough actually living through the ordeal. I will say that I have hated it 90% of the time. However, it’s not that part that makes it miserable; I’ve had jobs that I’ve disliked, found boring or aggravating or tiring before. I can deal with that. Jobs aren’t always fun or lovable. It’s the way I still feel about myself after leaving there. I spent 9-10 hours a day there feeling like crap but when I leave I can still feel the self-doubt hanging on my scrubs along with all that cat hair and dog drool.

I’ve tried to learn a lot about the human brain and self esteem in the past 8 months, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve learned all the lessons I’m about to try to articulate.

What makes you who you are? I finally settled into the realization a few months ago that I will never feel liked or appreciated at this job. The question then became are they right about me, that I am not good at my job and am not really worth getting to know, or is my identity not found in what others think about me? This has been a constant struggle for me. I am not used to working with snobby people (I guess I’ve just been very fortunate until now) and I also have skin so thin that it would rip if you just brushed against me. Thick skin is not one of my strong points. Which is why I leave work every day thinking I have zero strong points. Is that true? What dictates my feelings? The opinions of those who hardly know me and my coworker’s snobby silence? Or something inside of me that other people can’t touch.

I’m not one to quote poppy songs that people like just because they’re on the radio, but there’s this beautiful line by Colbie Caillat that says, “Wait a second, why should you care what they think of you? When you’re all alone, do you like you?” Well, me liking me is a whole other saga, but when this song comes on at work I just want to turn up the radio until all of their ears bleed.

Why do we let other’s opinions of us make or break our day? Why are we not comfortable in our own skin? This is something I guess I always wrestled with, but haven’t truly realized until the past year. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin just because of my own negative self-esteem. Having to be at work 45+ hours a week with people who make me feel even more uncomfortable feels like living hell until I make myself stop and say why am I doing this to myself? Why do I let their silence ring in my ears; why am I trying so hard?

I could write one million posts about feeling comfortable in your own skin because I have just stumbled upon this topic at age 22 and feel like I could write forever. (Isn’t that the greatest feeling for those of us who love writing?) But all my positive feelings go out the door on Monday morning when I want to shrivel up in a ball and give into thinking that there’s something wrong with me. What are you going to fight for, brain? This is a very important question because before you know it, 8 months have passed and you realize you’ve spent it being miserable and you can’t even blame that on grumpy coworkers because you, not anyone else, are in charge of your feelings. Why give into them?

Grief

Grief. Grief is a fire. Grief is a bucket of cold water. Grief is feeling and not feeling all at once. Grief is one of those words I never gave much thought to much of my life, but I certainly have the past year.

My family is grieving right now. Second baby we’ve lost this year, but this baby was further along and so much more anticipated and so it hurts so much more. You can lose someone a million different ways, so there are a million different kinds of grief. And you can lose someone you’ve never got the chance to meet. It is hard for me to let go of a niece or nephew I never got to hold for the fist time, sing to sleep, or have jokes with in just a few short years. It is still hard to lose something you never truly had. It seems strange to miss a laugh that I’ll never get to hear or a little voice saying “love you too” back to me, but nothing about loss makes sense.

I hate seeing people I love in pain, and my sister has never been in so much pain in her life. Grief. Gained so many people this year, but also lost so many and sometimes all the hurt just leaves you feeling dead inside. They teach us the cycle: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but these really all just run together. Grief. One big tsunami. Fire that burns through you and burns you alive all while you’re freezing to death.

“See, as much as you want to hold onto the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it. And the very act of living is a tide: at first it seems to make no difference at all, and then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded.” Jodi Picoult

Love you, Baby Thumbsy.

I’m afraid, ok?

Outside the rain is crashing down, trying to erase whatever remnants there are of a long, awful winter. In a matter of 4 days, I have gotten a job and passed my state boards to become a licensed technician. Wow. 

If there were days when I could understand my whirlwind of emotions, they are gone and buried. Done and gone. What is that phrase? Whatever. 

The brain is an incredible organ. I am so relieved knowing that some of the hardest parts of the past 2 months are over. Job searching, inadequacy, fear of failing a stupid multiple choice test. But the hardest days are still just around the corner, especially for someone who hates change as vehemently as I do. 

How many life lessons can be learned from the Rocky series? Let’s be real here. Probably 761. Times ten. There’s a scene in Rocky 3 with Rocky and Adrian on the beach — Rocky has just lost one of the most important people in his life, and is … going through a bunch of crap. He’s acting like a really quiet, really unmotivated jerk who won’t tell anyone what’s wrong. Adrian finally yells at him, “What’s the truth, dammit?!” and he comes back with, “I’M AFRAID, OK? For the first time in my life, I’m afraid!” She tells him there’s nothing wrong with that. “You’re human, aren’t you?” Fear. It is what we are so ashamed of. Even heavyweight champions, and especially little 21 year old girls. ImageIt cripples us, even on the best of days. That still, small voice that we push down until it all comes out kicking and screaming. But the rain is falling outside, and if the seasons can change, then so can I. You know, spring takes work. It takes work to get over that coldness, to push through the snow, to wear down on the towering snow piles until the daffodils underneath can push through. But if it can make it and get over this very rough winter, so can I. 

Fear, happiness, relief, change, anger, insecurity — you can all take your swings and we’ll see who’s left standing at the end. 

***Disclaimer: this has been the weirdest, most all over the place and boxing-themed post ever. But it fits where I am right now (the all over the place, not the boxing). 

More old thoughts

Staring out the window
The blackness seems to numb me
Seems to fill up my mind and erases everything that points to life before this
This is when you find out who you are
This is when you dig deep inside
See nothing, dig more

Staring into your eyes
But seeing nothing there
Seems to fill up my day and erases everything that points to life after this
This is when I find out who I am without you
This is when I realize I need you
This is when you walk away
Can’t you stay?
You know we can’t always be this way
Something has to change

December 06

When the sun goes down and the fears begin to fly

She stares at that sun going down. Again.

Hope goes down with that sun. There are all sorts of inspiring quotes about how it takes the darkness to appreciate the light, but when push comes to shove, we all want the light. We are all scared of the dark, scared of the hurt and the fear and the questions that come out of that darkness. She used to love the stars, but now she’s sick of them. Little pricks of light in the dark aren’t cutting it. She wants the whole damn thing. What she’d give for some sunlight. Sunlight brings hope. Daybreak brings a fresh start.

Tell her the sun will come up. Tell her it won’t stay night forever. That there has to be an end that comes in those slow but steady sunrises that take up the whole sky. It can’t be night forever, right?